Screen Scene: Crimes and misdemeanors

If you took the law into your own hands, cuffed the offenders and locked them in a dingy prison resembling the Hanoi Hilton, fellow moviegoers would probably pin a medal on your chest. At one time or another, all of us have encountered the dreaded inconsiderate movie-goer and have felt our patience ebb and our blood boil.

From the obnoxious “Soda Slurper” to the infuriating “Laughing Hyena”, who is the worst of the worst? Here is our list of the ten most wanted movie theatre delinquents.

10. Washroom Worshiper

With bladders the size of thimbles and an apparent lack of self-control, ‘Washroom Worshipers’ aren’t the most terrible of offenders but they can be quite the bother especially if their frequent excursions to the restroom occur during pivotal moments of the film…which they usually do. All this could be avoided if they would recognize their limited bladder capacity and take an aisle seat but that would take some brains and some courtesy.

9. Seat Punter

Thud. Thud. Thud. Whether it is an absent-minded child or thoughtless adult, those jolts to your spinal column as your seat is kicked from behind can be enough to make you seriously think about pulling an Annie Wilkes on the culprit. Parents, how about dropping some Ritalin into that popcorn? Adults, how about a box of Valium with that mocha cappuccino? Come on, take one for the team.

8. Children of the Corn

Talk about inconsiderate. With their dead eyes and ear-splitting voices, even Linda Hamilton cannot save you when thoughtless parents who are too cheap to pay for decent child care, bring their brood to adult-oriented movies where the loud noises frighten and scare. The needless fussing and crying is enough to make you want to adopt the children as your own just so you can rescue them all like Mad Max in ‘Beyond Thunderdome’ or Indiana Jones in ‘The Temple of Doom’.

7. Laughing Hyena

Like giggling school girls, these dimwits will laugh at almost anything on screen, and I mean ANYTHING. They snicker at the most inappropriate moments or at the stupidest jokes that nobody in the known galaxy would ever find funny. Their biggest crime though is raucously snorting at the gags already used and played ad nauseam in the trailers. Spaying and neutering are acceptable solutions.

6. Soda Sucker

Although there is not a droplet left in their beverage cups, these Fly-like patrons will continue to slurp through their straws creating suction equal to the gravitational field of a black hole while at the same time disturbing everyone around them. Give it up, people. Ever hear of free refills?

5. Ghost Whisperer

Pop quiz, boys and girls. What’s more exasperating? Someone talking too loudly in a movie theatre or someone trying to mask their annoying banter by whispering? Some would say that not being able to make out what’s being said is actually much, much worse and that whispering only aggravates the problem. In either case, we just have one thing to say…Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

4. The Riddler

Why did he do that? Where is she going? What does that mean? Is he really dead? How will they figure that out? Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Who has not seen a movie with someone like that? Question after question. Query upon query. It makes my head very, very weary.

3. The Narrator

Residing in a deeper plane of hell, The Narrator doesn’t stop at asking senseless questions throughout the entire length of the movie. Oh, no. They take things one step further by playing the role of Morgan Freeman and providing their own pointless commentary. Enamored with the sound of their own voice, they prattle on and on with a captive audience suffering with every syllable spoken.

2. Cell Phone

Electronic dampeners may be the only way to stop those Crackberry addicts who cannot refrain from checking their messages or yacking on the phone for even a couple of hours. While this tactic may seem heavy-handed, there is just no getting through to these dolts. Oh, and covering up your screen in a darkened movie theatre to shield your surreptitious texting is like trying to block out an eclipse with your bare freaking hand. Nice try.

1. The Spoiler

There should be an especially cruel and officially sanctioned punishment for The Spoiler, someone who has read a lot about or has already seen the movie in question and decides to announce what they know throughout the entire film. Being dipped in hot oil, permanently wiring their mouths shut, burning them alive at the stake or making them sit through a Matthew McConaughey marathon just doesn’t seem like punishment enough for ruining precious moments by blathering things like - “This part coming up is soooo funny!” or “Wait until you see what he does.” or “You will never guess what happens next”.